"Are We Fuck-Ups?"

"Are we fuck ups?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, we don't have the basics figured out."
"What basics?"
"Like how to live?"
"We're not fuck ups"
"I think we're fuck ups."
"We're not fuck ups."
"We have a cardboard window."
"We're not fuck ups."

I like this snip-it of quotes from the movie I'm watching (Away We Go). I wonder if I'll feel like this in 20 years, since I don't really like planning too much for the future, though I am really trying to get my career figured out. But still, I don't like planning big life stuff. Like whether I want kids or like, marriage, and.. I dunno... important stuff?

I want to make sure I have money, so I'm not constantly restricted by.. that I guess. Not that I want to be rich. I just don't want to be poor. And I like it when people like me.. sorta. Even though I don't like a lot of people. I like to build a name for myself, and have people that appreciate me. I haven't given it much thought, though. But there are so many people in the world who just fuck up their entire lives.

They only live for the moment, and even then they don't think about the massive effects that moment has, or how even in that moment they could be hurting themselves. People that use drugs, get drunk, have unprotected sex when they're 14, flunk out of college, have unrealistic expectations about their lives and don't get off their lazy ass to do any work. People who just think the world will work for them.

Those people usually end up being fuck ups. I don't want to be one of those people. I want my life to have meaning. I don't want to have huge regrets.

American culture tends to think that the goal of life is for themselves to be happy, and they're always on the search for happiness. I don't really think of my life that way. I'm not always on this search for happiness. A lot of people think there's something fundamentally wrong with that. "omg happiness isn't like the goal of your liiffe?!?!" no, it's not.

I don't think meaning in life is based on happiness. I could be happy if I knew nothing about the world and could take happy pills all the time. What kind of life is that? I'll tell you. It isn't. Sometimes, I almost like being sad. Everyone thinks its always like downright depression. "get out of your emo corner naddyaaa!!" I mean at the time that was said I actually was kind of depressed, but like, I dunno, my life kind of sucked so what did they expect me to act like? I think of my 'sadness' more as melancholy. There's a range, at any rate.

Oh, look. The characters in the movie are in Madison, Wisconsin. That's pretty close to where my boyfriend goes to college. This movie is so messed up. I don't think I can focus on this blog while watching a movie. What was I thinking? Another quote is.. something about your life being all affected about how you come into the world (are born into the world).

Well, when I came into this world, my mother was starving, was in shitloads of pain, and there was no nurses around and the only food my mom had was an apple or something and she had nothing to drink and she was in a shitty hospital where the nurses yelled at her if she asked them for anything, even if she was screaming and they would tell her they didn't have any water or apples or anything.

My mom was miserable. My dad missed the entire birth and wasn't there to support her. So... if my entire life is formed by my birth then.. well, I'm screwed. But my life doesn't suck that much, so it's all good.

I think I'm pretty ambitious at this point in my life. I have a lot of stuff I've been doing and I want to get good at.. stuff. By stuff I actually mean drawing, writing, taking pictures, making animations, and programming. There's also a lot of stuff I want to learn. I think it's important to know stuff about the world. In some way at least. I want to be good at .. everything I like? I guess?

I'm probably crazy. This is probably why I don't think about babies. And marriage. Theres so many things I enjoy doing, how am I supposed to get all this shit done in my life? I don't know. It's probably why I don't think about it too much.

Okay. Movie is finally over. I can.. maybe focus on finishing this now. Today consisted of this movie and.. work. Work consisted of interviewing 5 people that are involved with the teen media workshop thing and sitting in on their brainstorming session for their group film making exercise. At least I didn't have to walk all over campus to find them this time. I also talked to Terrance some more today.

He was telling me more about kind of office politics stuff. I've been learning a lot about that. I think it's important to know how office politics work, and how powerful everyone is just so I know what to expect in my future. Or even if it's not for my future, I guess I find it interesting. It's bad when good people have power but don't use it. Usually its bad people that have power, but if good people don't use their power, well that's just sad.

My thing about interviewing people reminded me of something. One of the teachers I was interviewing said he thought blogs were really dumb, but he was starting one to help other people, and not just himself, not just a blog about himself anyhow.

Probably he's right and those blogs are more useful. I had to think about that for a second, and you know.. he's probably right. A lot of blogs don't really serve much of a purpose. My blog is pretty selfish. But it can maybe make me a better person, so... why not I guess? It helps me organize my thoughts. Get them out of my brain and onto.. a computer screen.