If Romantic Stuff Makes You Want to Barf, Don't Read This.

So today I am rather tired but I wanted to talk about the history of my relationship with my boyfriend since it is his birthday today! Happy Birthday Stephen!

We've been dating for about two and a half years, and started dating in high school. It was a rather unpleasant time for my because my dad left to live in Cleveland for a year because my mom lost her job and he didn't get a raise so had to find a better paying job so that I could finish high school and we could keep the house longer.

Before all this started, though, I was rather depressed after a very sad trip to Russia and having not that many friends in the first two years of high school because I was sick of moving and sick of making new friends and I just felt like the world was fundamentally unfair and was a real cynic, had no faith in my friends and didn't think anybody gave a shit about me even if they said they did. The first two years the main person who got me through it before my boyfriend came along was this guy who I knew when I lived in Washington State. His name was Jake.

He talked to me a lot and made me laugh and we had lots of good times. Chatting. We never saw each other or anything, it was all completely online since by then I lived in Minnesota. I guess at the time I kind of liked him, even though I was very blunt and dark and acted like I hated everything. One of my other friends caught on that I liked him and basically told him about it because she hates it when people don't tell each other stuff and basically he told her he liked me too, but that she wasn't allowed to tell me.

So of course, she told me, and then shortly after Jake disappeared. I was crushed, because he was kind of my lifeline. I could talk to him about stuff that was bothering me and complain endlessly and he just knew what to say to cheer me up.

A little before that I had gotten together again with my friends from 8th grade, who kind of left me for a year when I switched to a different high school than the one they were in (not because I wanted to). I was happy that I was getting to hang out with them again, and through that group I sort of re-met Stephen (I had known him before, but we never talked).

At the time Stephen was rather unhappy because of a certain unrequited high school crush, and so I tried to comfort him because I like to help people. At the time though I was not very happy myself so I made a rather terrible comforter. I was also rather bipolar, and might have gone from being somewhat comforting, to downright harsh, or well, I don't even know honestly, in the span of a minute.

Somehow through all of my depressive psychoticness Stephen saw my 'charm.' At first I didn't realize that he liked me, but it started to become more and more obvious over time, and one day he was really upset because I didn't sit next to him on a long bus trip. He's had a lot of bad bus trips where no one sat by him and it made him feel lonely.

I still feel kind of bad about that. He was quite upset. I felt pretty bad about it at the time, but I still couldn't figure out if it was pity or something else. I went back and forth a lot, because I never pictured myself in a relationship before and always thought I would just be the nice girl who helped people out or got picked on. I never thought I would be the center of someones attention.

I couldn't really bring myself to believe that he liked me that much. I felt like it was all my fault, and it would probably be better if I left him alone. I felt like he had too much of a soft heart, whereas mine is pretty bruised and battered in comparison.

I went back and forth with him about us being in a relationship for a long time. I told him I hated the terms 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' and I hated all the hype surrounded by it. I just wanted to be his friend. That turned into being his 'close friend' as we spent more and more time together. Eventually, though, there was a bit of an ultimatum.

I think it might have been that day when he was already upset with me, and I said something about how maybe we shouldn't date, because it just seemed bad for us both. I know what I said at the time was far more convoluted than that but I think that's what I was going for. Not ruling it out, just feeling that it was maybe a bad idea. I felt like I had to watch everything I said because I was just that blunt. He took my saying that "maybe it was a bad idea" as "it's never going to happen" and got really upset and angry and didn't want to talk to me.

I felt awful after that. I couldn't sleep all night, my whole body was shaking, I felt a little nauseous. I think I realized then that I couldn't stand being like that. Being distant from everyone, and feeling like nobody cared 'that much'. I needed someone closer. Closer than Jake. I needed affection. Hugs. Cuddles. Kisses. Things that I didn't get.

The next day he called me, saying he was sorry. I felt bad, but I was upset also. I told him I didn't mean that there was no chance we would date. I just felt like things weren't working because I always upset him, but I didn't want to rule it out, and that he hurt my feelings a lot. I don't think he realized that meant that I cared. I said I was sorry too.

After that conversation, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Things got better.


Eventually, after people kept asking us if we were dating, I finally decided I wasn't scared of the word anymore and we made it "facebook official." Woo. Facebook.

We slowly started to get more comfortable with each other, we talked a lot about everything, he started visiting more and put up with my moms demands like making him pot plants and clean things and carry things and move things. He was there when I had arguments with my parents. He was almost always there when things went wrong, to comfort me. I finally had a real shoulder to cry on. Literally.

He would host parties for both of our groups of friends at his house. They were always a blast. I had so much fun.

Eventually I felt like I could tell him anything.

Stephen was the first real person who I could hold in my arms for more than a few seconds. I felt warm inside, and calm, a feeling I really hadn't felt in years.

I started making more friends in school, people got less scared of me, I started feeling less insecure and more confident. If he hadn't been there my last two years of high school might have been completely different.

When I had to move here, we both were forced to consider breaking it off, but decided against it because we both knew that we cared about each other too much to let distance get in the way. At least, not without a fight. At times the school year was rough, and then we would get a little rough on each other, but it worked out okay. We wanted things to come naturally, see where the flow took us. Right now the flow is keeping us together. And against some peoples predictions.

So let me end this with a super cheesy note that my boyfriend would highly approve of. Go where your heart takes you. Don't plan everything ahead. Take things one step at a time. Sometimes you just have to feel whats right in the moment, and thats the best judge of everything.

I'm going to see him again in a week. Words cannot express how much I look forward to it ^__^.

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Oh yeah, and then there's this random image I made to go with yesterdays entry.

A quick comic thingy I made about Horse and Buggy Parking. Click on image for full view!