TODAY

I'm having a lot of different emotions right now. Maybe it's because I'm sick, or maybe it's because I'm a college student: I don't know.

I guess it makes sense that someone who has moved locations like 5 times... from Russia to Ohio, from Ohio to Washington, from Washinton to Minnesota, lived in two places in Minnesota, and then moved back to Ohio for college, being emotional wouldn't seem horribly surprising.

Theres a lot more in my past than that but somehow I don't know if I feel like sharing it with the worldwide web just yet. Even though as far as I can tell this blog hasn't appeared on google yet.

Probably the reason I feel emotional right now is because my boyfriend is talking to his parents about plans for me to come fly and see him. This is all fantastic but there is always some unforeseen circumstances and pressures to get things planned out early thanks to prices for tickets constantly going up. I don't want to pressure my boyfriend but I know if you cut people too much slack they'll do it at the last second. I feel bad, but bleh. Theres always two sides I'm trying to satisfy and it always has negative efffects somewhere along the long. I am loyal to my family and to my boyfriend, but my boyfriends families and mine don't always see eye to eye. This is probably normal, but eh. Not to mention I'm scared of airplanes. When I say scared, I don't just mean a twinge of fear. I mean full blown, rigid terror. Sometimes, anyways.


I keep thinking how horrible it would be to die in a plane crash. Plummeting to your death. But there are worse ways to die.


I've actually heard a lot about death recently. Partially because I'm reading The Lost Symbol, but also because I'm a paranoid person. You see I'm still sick but the other day I felt mostly better. Me and my family decided to go out to eat. I ordered garlic noodles. I ate the garlic noodles. They were yummy. Me and my parents were talking about how we were going to go see The Surrogates. Everything was hunky dory, right? But then everything kind of blew up. I felt a rush of nausea, dizzyness, exhaustion, and like I was about to keel over into my bowl. Also this brought up a strong feeling of fear because I ate mushrooms and I thought I just poisoned myself and was going to die. Like I totally honestly thought I was going to die right then. My parents were having casual conversation and ignoring my plight until I gasped out "I don't feel good."

They comforted me by saying that apparently it's normal to feel really shitty and sick after eating and not taking medication (I stopped taking my cold medication). Eventually I felt better, but jesus that was a terrifying moment.


random thoughts:


I've been reading about Noetic Science. The idea that our thoughts have mass and create gravity so that thoughts that are similiar with many people end up actually changing nature itself to an extent. Our thoughts actually INFLUENCE our environment. Now that's some brain food. I want to buy a book called Living Deeply that talks about our consciousness with the new findings from Noetic Science.

Cats are adorable. My cat especially. Meow.

I need a strategy to get popular on deviantART. This is much more easily said than done. I want to do commissions on there but first people need to know who I am.

I think I need to stop doing this now because my ribs hurt and I need to pee o_o

Life sucks sometimes...

Ho-kay, so
HERES THE EARTH:

uh, no.... not really.


Okay, for real this time. Mid Term week is over. Mid term week was somewhere between depressing, frustrating, empowering, and sickening. Let me explain in more detail.... if you're curious, of course

Depressing: Girls in Motion is like a drama pit of drama. I mean, you go there and all the girls do is pretty much A. Disrespect you B. Disrespect everyone else C. Tell you that you smell bad D. Refuse to do any of the activities E. Complain that they don't get enough snacks F. Complain that they shouldn't have to help put away chairs (Okay, honestly, they're there to LEARN from us, the least they could do is help us with some effing chairs!). After I went on Tuesday I felt so crappy. Two of the girls were threatening to get into a fist fight with each other and this new girl Abby showed up who was just something else. She probably had the biggest attitude out of all of them. Her sarcasm made me so... grrr. Lets just say I'm getting practice in patience.

Oh, and I was thinking I could transfer to a different work study that was art related but they e-mailed me back saying they had no spots open. Possibly not even for next semester T_T

Oh, and plus my dad wants me to stay in it so I can keep making money if nothing else opens up.




Frustrating: See above. Also, trying to study for two midterms and running from place to place and forgetting your meetings because you have too much to do is NOT a fun experience. On Friday night last week I actually was studying with my tutor for Developmental Psychology from 9:30 PM to midnight. How many students do that? Honestly? But then again, I'm surprised more didn't do it since the midterm happened to be 33 percent of my grade. Oh, and there's only two other graded things. And guess how many percent they are? 33! So naturally I was FREAKING out. I mean, I didn't want to fail a class in my first semester. Though apparently that happens often. I felt frustrated because I didn't have time to do anything fun like... draw or write or I don't know, anything.


Empowering: It was empowering to get through my tests and not die and actually feel like I didn't fail. However, I wasn't really all that empowered considering I skipped lunch for two or three days in a row. Oh, and I never eat breakfast.


Sickening: Well, there was this sandwich that I bought for one of the days to eat after me exam but it was the most disgusting thing ever! Thats not the point, though. On Thursday I left class early because it was a workday and everyone was leaving early anyways. However, I also was starting to feel a tad sick. No big deal, I can just go back to the dorm, take some sudafed, and all will be hunky dory. WRONG. What happened instead was that I progressively felt worse and worse to the point that my throat was burning alive and I felt so tired and dizzy that I could barely focus and I had to skip Girls in Motion. By 4:30 I was wondering how on earth I would pass my Russian test the next day. My mom called me at that point being like WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE SICK WHY DO I HEAR EVERYTHING FROM YOUR DAD? I gave her a half assed response about something to do with me not thinking straight. Then after several times of her asking "what do I do?" to which I responded "you're the mother, you should know" which ended in me still telling her to call my Russian professor (because my throat was death) and asking her if I could postpone my exam. Now this may seem very strange, but since my mom is Russian and my prof is Russian they must automatically have some kind of connection. It's a Russian thing- don't ask. So luckily my prof said that it's all good- I can take it later. So my mom came to pick me up and take me home. Which was a damn good thing becuase that night was absolutely positively horrendous. I couldn't swallow without feeling like I just swallowed some kind of poisonous burning gooey concoction. My ears were popping, my head felt like a ton of bricks, and my eyes could barely open a fifth of an inch. My roommate tried to cheer me up by saying "at least you got your test postponed" but somehow when you feel that sick its hard to agree. Or maybe I'm just a pessemist. -___-

So, several updates to make

1. My roommate got a tablet. It's amazing. I'm drawing masterpieces (haha, not but really it's amazing)

2. Due to my roommate getting a tablet, there's a lot of new stuff on my deviantart. You should go check it out because I am depressingly comment-less.

3. Mid-terms are coming up so I'm getting progressively busier

4. I started doing a work study with middle school girls for movement empowerment, but so far none of them are empowered, and none of them are moving. In fact all they want to do is party and be rude and obnoxious. It's very draining but I'm hoping by the end I'll stop having the tendency to let people boss me around and get more leadership experience.

5. BoA released an English album. She's a korean pop singer but I guess she's gotten kind of popular in America and it's so exciting. I love her korean songs and they used to be a lot more innocent but nevertheless, her new songs are cool too. Utada also released her second English album. This is actually old news, but I hadn't gotten to listen to all the songs yet.

6. I'm doing an informal class in web design so I'm getting to design a website for the Oberlin Swing Workshop which I guess is a pretty big deal since they have a whole budget for it and they hire some pretty snazzy teachers and a band and everything. Hopefully someone will notice that the website is cool and remember my name ^_^.

7. I'm taking a break from job applications since there aren't really many jobs I'm interested in posted right now though I inquired about one which would involve making a practical website for an animal rights club.

8. Theres a Russian Cultural Festival coming up! I think I'll submit some Russian music and drag my roommates there so they can see some genuine Russian culture and maybe lose some stereotypes.

9. I'm planning on starting to write my first article for the Oberlin Review soon, this Thursday is the meeting. Hopefully it won't be too scary to sit in on an event and write about it.

10. I went to Minneapolis to go to a special event called SGMS, it's an anime themed workshop where they have lectures about anything from Miyazaki to Kawaii Noir to random economics O_o. It's where anime meets genius discussion. I always knew that anime had lots of depth and importance, but nobody quite points it out as well as the people who speak at SGMS. It's a wonderful event. I should probably post something just talking in depth about my trip.


I need to update this more... -__-

I discovered today that the Mac computers delete button doesn't actually delete anything. As I was desperately trying to finish my project on photoshop using a vaguely unfamiliar Mac, I desperately pushed the delete button to try and delete layers, selections, and files. As far as I can tell, the delete button doesn't work on any of these. The existence of a delete button that doesn't delete is mystifying to me.

It was a pretty stressful day. I realized that an American girl who took three years of Russian in college is better than me, a native speaker from Russia who lives with Russian parents who speak Russian to her half the time. It was just me and her in class today, and lo and behold, she got every grammatical question right and I got almost every one wrong. I felt so. very. stupid.

Besides that, I spent almost my entire day trying different ideas for my self portrait project using photoshop. Who knew that making a photomontage self portrait could be so frustrating? I just had no ideas going through my head. It's also very frustrating when no matter what your idea is or what your vision for a project is, everything you do always turns out creepy. I really need to work on that.

My roommate Mollie was complaining about how she accidentally got herself into a deal to pay 5 dollars a month to keep her money safe in case she died or something, and she was saying that she "should keep all her money in a sock." When my other roommates said that you have to take inflation into consideration Mollie said "Well maybe if I had an air gun I could inflate my sock." Just a thought on how hilarious my roommates are. Haha. No, but seriously. Lulz

So I thought I would address the whole "why is my username cheesecakefairy?" question. I really, really like cheesecake. Of all desserts I'm pretty sure that cheesecake is my favorite by far. Ever since I was a little kid I've always loved even plain cheesecake. Once for my birthday my boyfriend's mom made me a cheesecake. I made this graphic just to show my love for the all wonderful dessert. There isn't really much depth to the reason, but I did make up a song with my friend to display my affection and love for cheesecake. The song goes as follows:

Cheesecake, cheesecake

I love cheesecake

It makes my heart ache

If you don't give, I will take

My beloved cheesecake

Then I'll throw you in a lake

And stab you with a garden rake

Then I'll make your children bake

Me another cheesecake!

Now I understand that some people may be disturbed by this song, but basically it was my friend that came up with the "garden rake" line so therefore, it is not my fault. However it is true that she forgot about the lyrics but I never did. Bwuahaha. Plus I don't think cheesecakes are baked but oh well. Everyone who knows me pretty much knows that me and cheesecake have a special thing going on. Any more cheesecake references I can think of will be added in the future.

"It might be true
The more one experiences suffering
The more he can be tender and strong ”
—Ayumi Hamasaki from “my name’s WOMAN”

This is a quote from my favorite singer of all time. She writes her own lyrics and sometimes composes the music, but I find that her lyrics speak to my life and my experiences more than any other singer on earth. Ayumi had a very depressing life because when she was young her father said he was going on a business trip but then he left and never came back. She was forced into modeling at a young age in order to pay bills, and she couldn't make friends in her neighborhood because of her independence and her mother's strange behaviors. Don't quote me on these facts, though I know most of them are pretty accurate. I've had to move around a lot in my life so I definetely can relate to Ayumi's struggles and having a family who is sometimes hard to agree with. I admire Ayumi for her independence and realism, and feel as though I've been with her on her path toward self understanding that is so clear in all her touching and emotional lyrics. Every time I was suffering, I would turn one of her songs and usually by then I had already looked up the lyrics and would think of what they meant to me and how I'm not the only one who feels alone and low on self esteem. Though I've listened to a lot of J-pop, K-pop, and other genres of Asian music I still think that Ayumi is my favorite.

This particular song that I quoted is about how women are always treated as being underneath men, even though we're in a new era where women are supposed to be equal there is still subtle prejudices and harrasment going on below the surface. Ayumi addresses these facts in her song in the lyrics "we're not just dolls who are dressed up." Clearly, she still thinks that men don't always treat women equally. I would have to agree with her, because speaking from the point of view of someone who has always felt like she didn't quite fit into the feminine stereotype, it's not easy being a "strong" woman. By strong I mean I don't take people's crap, I don't sit around and pretend I'm cute and flirt with guys when I'm bored, I actually take my work seriously and don't try to appear weak or stupid to attract people, and I will make an attempt to stand up for myself if I have to. It's not like I'm a feminist or anything, but I've had a pretty dramatic life in comparison to the average person and I've learned to deal with tough times. I never thought back in childhood that when I became a teenager I would scare my friend's younger brother without saying a word to him. Sorry if this was all rather confusing but it's just my thought process right now. Sometimes it sucks to be female. But it's better when Ayumi is on your side.

This is a drawing I made in the first week of college at Oberlin. I was using a picture from my art book for Angel Sanctuary (an amazing 20- volume manga that I absolutely love drawn/written by Kaori Yuki). Drawing is a pretty big pasttime of mine and I particularly enjoy drawing in manga/ anime style though it's hard for me to draw it nicely completely from my own mind.

http://canta-per-me.net/

I have always loved a certain composer and lyricist Yuki Kajuira. The link above is a fan site with sheet music, downloads, lyrics, and very descriptive discography of her numerous songs and album releases. I don't think she's ever recorded a song with herself as the singer, but every song she releases is absolutely melodic and beautiful. Though they are far from being pop, they combine the classical sounds of string instruments (particularly the guitar and the violin) with more computer-created sounds. The voices she chooses for her songs are almost always female, and her lyrics are never dissapointing. They address topics ranging from vanity to cynicism, violence to deep love. She also writes lyrics in all sorts of different languages. It's amazing to go through song after song listed on her fan site and find almost each one listing her name as being the lyricist, the composer, and anything else the song might have required besides singing. She's just that talented and devoted to her art. I find her to be a very admirable person. It adds even more when I take into consideration that her music is used in half the anime that I love. I suggest check out the site if you like classical, melodic, meaningful, or instrumental music.

This is part 1 of Angel's Egg, a surrealist anime work that people generally either love or hate. It's somewhat based on Christian theory which is unusual for Japan becuase Japanese people don't really practice Christianity. It was produced by Tokuma Shoten in 1985 and is a collaboration between artist Yoshitaka Amano and Mamoru Oshii. It's a rather dark film and has existentialist thoughts within it. I found it very interesting. I have no affiliation with Angel's Egg. Just so you know. K thanks.

These are my thoughts on this anime. I found it difficult to watch. Not necessarily horribly depressing, just difficult. The music was a little too spooky for my taste, even though I like dramatic spooky music it was just too repetitive and a little bland. Parts of it really shone, specifically metaphorically speaking. But only if you were thinking about it really deeply, I mean, the dialogue was so sparse there was hardy a hint about what the writer meant by what the characters were saying. It's like they knew everything about what was going on but the audience has no clue. There isn't any revelation at the end either. I guess I like the basic idea of the concept: the innocent girl holding on to a shred of hope that may or may not actually be there, and the realist/pessemist (depending on your view) crushing that hope and causing her suicide. It's nice that at the end though, or at least I gather, that her suicide leads to a rebirth of the dying or already dead world where everyone pretty much acts like a zombie and is hunting shadows of fishes that aren't really there? I mean that's clearly a metaphor but I'm not entirely sure what it's a metaphor for. From what I read of other people's interpretations is that the whole work is based on one of the artist's "fallout with christianity" according to this: http://blogs.teodesian.net/wp/?p=117 blog, which I just discovered and tries a lot harder than wiki to explain what's going on. I think it's a beautiful peace of work in it's own way, but it definetely makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

So this is a poem I wrote not too long ago when I had this horrendous taste in my mouth. Every time I eat too many sweet things this taste comes back and sometimes it doesn't go away. It kind of makes me lose my appetite and it's extremely annoying. So let me share with you my deep emotion about this issue in poetic form!

Please, just water

Her glands won’t
salivate at
the thought of
funnel cake,
oreo ice cream, and
sugary tea with milk.
There is no question
it must have been the
raspberry lemonade
coating her throat.
The hours
pass by
she watches
time…
the cat slinks away but
the flavor
continues to disgust.
No bitterness
can defeat this
sickening concoction.
Perhaps if she
cut out her
tongue,
her mouth might stop
rotting.

This is an artwork I made in senior year of high school. I was really stressed out because I had to create my entire portfolio of art in my first semester and had to have it be good enough for submission to art colleges. This ended up being quite overwhelming while I was taking AP Government, AP Lit, and AP Biology as well as humanities honors and a creative writing course. This was one of the favorites of my art teacher and several of my friends. I don't typically like my own art but this one I think turned out quite nicely considering that I didn't spend hours on it.

My Dominant Intelligence is Interpersonal Intelligence

You shine in your ability to relate to and understand others. Good at seeing others' points of view, you get how people think and feel. You have an uncanny ability to sense true feelings, intentions, and motivations. A natural born leader, you are great at teaching and mediating conflict. You would make a good counselor, salesperson, politician, or business person.

Haha. Because I know you guys care.

It's been a long time

Wow. It really has been ages. Over a month since I've posted on this thing. I think its going to make me cry. *tears* Oh well. Thats life, deal with it. Right so, now I get to rave about the past month and a half. DAMN CAT, STOP STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MONITOR! *moves cat* Such an attention hog, god. Righto, well I should probably get on with talking about life. Even though I kind of don't want to because... life just isn't that cool. Hehe. Yeah....

So... I left off with Nanowrimo in my last post. I FINISHED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMFG! Sadly, most people will not understand how hard it was for me... because most people didn't bother trying to write so much in just one month. At first I was really into it, and I actually liked what I was producing. Plus my friends were trying it too, and I enjoyed talking about it and writing during school. Then.. after 5 or 6 days... I sometimes had better things to do then write. I also started thinking that my story, quite honestly, wasn't that good. School became too stressful for me to try to write during it as well. I had to rant rather then write, which was emotionally releaving but hardly productive, and a real energy sapper. The second week overall was okay though, I had all the good parts of my story left to cover and I still had the initiative to keep going. The weekend between week 2 and week 3 we went to Chicago, and poor Nadya was deprived of her writing time. However, she carried a notebook around everywhere which made it a little easier to get something done. So I fell behind a bit, though on Sunday I succeeded in catching up again. Unfortunately... week 3 had another surprise in store for me. On Tuesday I woke up in the morning thinking... oh shit my stomach hurts. This was quite normal for me though, so I didn't stress too much. That was until I got downstairs and realized... seeing food makes me nauseous. This... was a little more unusual. So I told my mom, who told me to take a painkiller and that it was probably just that time of month and I'll be fine. I believed her, silly me. So the day started, with me suffering during first hour but then getting better around second. The painkiller lasted until 5th hour though, where I honestly thought I might puke all over the table. Taryn and Zita and Alyssa were frightened. I had made the mistake of drinking too much fluid at once, and my stomach was rejecting it. Instead of going to the nurses office though, as I told my friends when i ran to the bathroom, I came back. I wasn't exactly thinking straight so... I thought I might still be okay and I should fight my own desire to go home. What a fucking idiot I am. I went to math, where my condition worsened and I barely stayed awake long enough for my teacher to shut up and for me to walk over to her. I shouldn't have waited that long, because by the time I reached her my naeseau had returned full circle. So after asking her for permission I ran to the bathroom AGAIN. Except this time, I did throw up. A lot. I came back to class after the bell rang and I asked my math teacher for a nurses pass. She agreed, knowing that nurses might not believe you if you only SAID you threw up. So I went there and tried to call my parents asking if they could take me home. NONE OF THEM PICKED UP THE PHONE. Tried to lie down and failed, so then I'm like hey I'll go back to class. Sat in biology for about a half hour, once again almost falling asleep and once again starting to feel really sick and deciding to leave. This time when I went to the nurse she was on break and told me to go to a different office, which I did. This time my parents were there. I told my dad to come get me, and then realized I had my coat downstairs and my backpack was still in the biology room. Shitcakes. Once I got my bag, I forgot about my coat again and went down to the main floor heading to the parking lot. Recalled that I had left my coat, and painfully went downstairs, where I almost fell down them. Then I realized I was feeling sick again and went to the bathroom, but I didn't throw up so I was like "I'll be okay..." STUPID STUPID ME. Went to my locker, and completely collapsed. Couldn't stand up, was too weak to move, too dizzy to see anything clearly. People were walking through the halls again, staring at me. Then my math teacher saw me and helped me get my coat. However, she was helping me keep walking but I unfortunately felt sick AGAIN. This time there was no bathroom around and I ended up barfing in a doorway. JKDFSHJKFGDHKHGJFDKJGDHFKJ

Cough. Keep going. So eventually they brought a wheelchair down for me, my aquantiance gave me a rose, and I was taken to the parking lot. The lady just opened the door before I could even get my coat on. So, after freezing my ass off, and dealing with my dad freaking out, we got to the car. Thank the LORD. It was the car. I had dreamt about it all day. Got home to the sanctuary of the couch, where I ate crackers and drank tiny sips of juice and slept for a long time. Obviously, I didn't exactly get to writing anything that day. Didn't go to school for the next three days either, but managed to get upstairs to type nevertheless. Found out, by glory, it was not that time of month, it was just the EFFING STOMACH FLU. By this point writing was much more of a painful, heart breaking task then ever before. It was draining... it was difficult to the core... but I kept going. The end was nearing.. and as shitty as I knew the story would be, I thought... MAYBE I'LL FEEL BETTER WHEN I'M DONE. Yeah. Ha. Right. Somehow, I finished. No idea how really... but microsoft word was what I went to every day... knowing I would somehow have to write the designated amount. In fact, I only caught up on what I had not written on the last two days. But the important thing.. I FINISHED. Phew. In one screwed up month, I got it allllllll done. Besides Nanowrimo I also got to go to Chicago, which was great. Really writing is the only other thing I remember about that month. Everything else.. kind of melted into the background of those monotone days.

Okay. I'm taking a break now because I've gotten too worked up.

Oh my God, Nanowrimo is coming.

Right. So I'm becoming afraid of the prospect of writing 50,000 words. I WILL DO IT. I swear. Really. I can. I will. I SHALL, DAMN IT. Tomorrow is the first day and I will write at least 4 pages. I won't stay up till midnight to start though, because then I will totally mess up my sleeping schedule.

So today is Halloween. I went to a party for tennis and in general it was pretty typical. We made wax hands and I had fun killing my left hand by dipping it in ice water till it went numb. I was afraid of it at first, the idea of my hand being permanently wax was disturbing. The feeling afterwards was weird too. I just... don't like freezing my hand. Oh my god. Hellhouse... what the hell. Some "halloween party" they do to support Jesus by scaring everyone to hell of Jesus and they made amock wedding about gays with a devil saying the wedding words and like condemning all gays to eternal suffering. That is sick and wrong. If that was Jesus's idea, I suppose I'm going to the deepest pit of hell. Fun fun. By the way, the place is in Texas. No wonder.

Right, back to what I was talking about. Annalee was hosting the party and her house is all rustic and prim and perfect. Shruthi was really uber hyper at the party which was scary. We had black light ping pong competition. That was pretty fun, but I lost to Shruthi because her serves were really good. That kind of upset me... but losing is just not my thing. Shruthi won the Black Light competition and got a ping pong raquet with a black lightbulb on it. It was hot. Then we had the pinata... girls are really REALLY scary when theres candy everywhere and they have to fight for it. I just avoided them and got whatever candy wasn't being mauled.

Anywho, parents making me sleep. I'll probably stop postig on here for the next month because of Nanowrimo. So, until then. Au revoir, my sexy beasts.

I have a template now! It describes me so well, too. Seeing that I feel lost in my mind all the time... having a brain can do that sometimes. I could write about my experience at the party I went to today... But I'd rather not.

New Blog... haha

It oughta be interestig to see how long I can keep this thing going. In the mean time, OMFG I have a blog!