College is fast approaching. I have finally sorted out my schedule.. after much toiling with all my classes overlapping and such.
I don't know how it works with other colleges, but at Oberlin it's rather difficult to get into the classes you want to take, especially as a lower classman because unlike in universities where you go on a special track to reach your major, at Oberlin you can just take random classes from any department and it doesn't really matter because you're exploring your possibilities and the major isn't as important as the liberal artsy degree.
So basically the trade off is that in a university it's very difficult to take classes in fields outside the one you are pursuing, while in liberal arts schools like Oberlin it's much easier to takes classes in all sorts of fields but its harder to take the specific classes you may be most interested in. It's all about exploring your possibilities, and works especially well for those people who have a hard time deciding on a major.
Also, since Oberlin is a smaller school there aren't as many professors which means there aren't as many time slots for different classes. Now, this can prove rather frustrating because the more classes you try to take, the higher the probability that they will overlap. Especially if you take an art class for instance, which each class is three hours long and will almost for sure overlap with something else you want to take. Like, I wanted to take a typography type of design class as well as a drawing class, but I had to drop the drawing class because all three of the offered computer science labs overlapped with it *sigh*
But it's okay since instead I am taking a politics class about interpersonal/world conflict and how to deal with it and whatnot. It has a professor I like and plus politics is related to my interest in journalism so what the heck, it works for me.
So I'm taking calculus, computer science, conversational russian, design as a social process, peace and conflict studies, and hopefully this exco about programming practical stuff or something like that.. I'm mostly worried about calculus and computer science, but I looked up to comp sci prof on rate my professor and he got good ratings so it's all good.
Exco's (experimental college) are classes taught by students. They are awesome, because classes taught by students are really chill and there are quite a few to choose from. Of course, getting into them can be difficult especially if the exco is popular.
Anyways, I've been so stir crazy lately that I think I'm going to explode. At Oberlin there's always events and different people to see and stuff to do. And even if there isn't there's always homework! Plus I am looking forward to decorating my room and seeing my friends. It's hard to see them during breaks because they all go home (and for them home tends to be quite a distance away, like California).
So I am pretty sure I was going to say something more important in this post, but it evades me now.. oh, well, I have been really active on deviantart lately (not so much in posting new stuff but with networking and finding new artists I like) and I've done two digital drawings that I'm pretty proud of, considering my old ones sucked. So I'm getting a decent amount of new people commenting on my art or at least rating it, and I think I'm getting a pretty good number of positive responses, with some super positive ratings every once in a while. ^__^ My deviantart is http://jassele.deviantart.com/
The last few weeks have been pretty uneventful for me. Mostly buying college related stuff, then returning half of said college stuff. Otherwise: playing Fable 2, playing Civilization, browsing deviantart, chatting with my bf, reading a russian book, and sleeping?
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Of College Related Topic Hopping
So I failed at the whole 250 words a day thing. It was going well.. for all of like, a week. I have had this idea for a novel in my head for eons. Since like fucking sophomore year of high school. But I mean, who am I kidding? The only way that it will ever get fully written is when I'm in one of my inspirational modes which I think I am currently on an artistic/ lazy curve. I drew a pic of lady gaga which was the best tablet drawing of mine to date but besides that.. not much output from me since last semester.
I go back to school soon. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that... I think I might have a love hate relationship with Oberlin. My friends are pretty awesome. My job is pretty awesome. Everything else... well, lets just say it varies. Though everyone says that the first year is the worst and it only gets better (why am I not surprised considering the freshmen get the bottom choice for like, everything) I don't want to be too hopeful.
Since I got rejected a second time from the Creative Writing department I'm not sure when I will make my next attempt to break in. Maybe I will just attempt to bypass level 2 and take classes with level 3 professors who don't approve of the selective system. The thing that bothers me the most is that I really, really tried. I mean I wasn't just like.. hmm.. heres some stories just chilling here in my desk. Lemme just quick put those together and hand it in. HELL NO! I was like, okay here are a bunch of stories I wrote for class, but I need to edit them. I edited them once from the advice I had, then I referenced back with one of the TA's for the class and she gave me feedback 3 TIMES and I edited my crap after every time she gave me feedback. Apparently nobody cares about effort there, though. It's just a basis of sheer talent and lack of space.
This other guy I know only edited his crap once and got in. I mean really, world. What the fuck.
Honestly though, creative writing isn't practical. Neither is like half the majors at Oberlin, but that's because the major at Oberlin doesn't really matter. You can basically go there and afterward go into whatever the hell you want because nobody really cares. They're just all googly eyed that you graduated from there I guess? I'm not really sure how it works, but it probably has something to do with the fact that Oberlin is a liberal arts school so everyone just assumes you know enough of everything that it doesn't really matter what you do.
So since I seem to be topic hopping (I'm not this ADD in real life, I swear) I am also nervous because I'm taking like 16 credits and working next year. I know a lot of people from last year who took 16 credits and didn't fare well with a job. True, they weren't always very organized about it all, but still. I like having a little free time on the side. I don't enjoy killing myself.
So 16 credits for a university isn't really a big deal but 16 credits at Oberlin is the most you're allowed to take. Unless you're a double degree student (essentially you're brilliant and getting a music degree from the conservatory plus a normal college degree) in which case you can take up to 18.. don't quote me on that though.
Also I'm taking math. It's not that I sucked at math in high school.. but I mean, I took some honors or whatever but nothing major. I don't even know if I remember anything now. Plus there's computer science to add to the list. I enjoyed all the computer science classes I've taken already, but that doesn't mean I'm not a little nervous. This class will be more intense and math-y too.
So of course if I'm taking two classes like that I absolutely MUST have some art to balance it out. So I'm taking this typography-esque design class which is fantastic but I can't decide if I should take another art class too. What I don't like about the art classes is critique. It takes probably 2 and a half hours to get through each persons opinion about your work. Plus you always have to come up with some kind of meaning behind the piece.
I like artwork with meaning, but I hate making up meaning when I just wanted to make something pretty. Why is making something pretty such a horrible thing? Why must I have a whole back story? As far as hearing everyone's opinion: lets be honest. Sometimes it's nice to hear peoples opinions but other times they're either too harsh, or they're just making shit up. Or maybe I'm too sensitive. Art is one of those things where if I've worked on something for the past month its kind of hard to just sit there and take serious criticism.
I am excited to see all my friends again. It's kind of lonely in Cleveland where I know nobody except my parents and one other person who is about a 45 minute drive away. It's amazing how little they keep in touch over the summer, but I guess it makes me more excited to see them when school starts again. One of my friends practically disappeared off the face of the earth. She never checks her facebook, doesn't respond to e-mails, and well.. she's kind of a cave woman at times. I just hope she's hanging out with her friends at home and not just sitting at her house being antisocial.
Topic hop: dorms! I am going to be in a single... did I say this already? Whatever, but my room is freaking huge! I haven't measured it yet but I swear its at least 12 by 12 feet which compared to the normal singles is mega gigantic. It's going to be awesome having so much space to myself, especially since there will be less distractions. I'm not a library girl, I prefer working in my room. I also like that my dorm, Russian House, is farther away from main campus so it's quieter and people are more chill I think. Also since my room is nice and big and I'm bringing forms of entertainment and I can clean, my room can then be the hang out spot among my friends (not that nobody at Oberlin cleans, it's just that I'm one of the cleaner people I know, but hey I'm Russian and my family is a bunch of clean freaks). I think this will make me feel more in control of stuff.
I like feeling like I have control, because a lot of times I feel like things are spiraling out of my control. It gets like that when you have to move due to parents job changes. Or maybe that's just me.
Ugh. I am just so over my life right now. I think I am going to peace out now.
I go back to school soon. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that... I think I might have a love hate relationship with Oberlin. My friends are pretty awesome. My job is pretty awesome. Everything else... well, lets just say it varies. Though everyone says that the first year is the worst and it only gets better (why am I not surprised considering the freshmen get the bottom choice for like, everything) I don't want to be too hopeful.
Since I got rejected a second time from the Creative Writing department I'm not sure when I will make my next attempt to break in. Maybe I will just attempt to bypass level 2 and take classes with level 3 professors who don't approve of the selective system. The thing that bothers me the most is that I really, really tried. I mean I wasn't just like.. hmm.. heres some stories just chilling here in my desk. Lemme just quick put those together and hand it in. HELL NO! I was like, okay here are a bunch of stories I wrote for class, but I need to edit them. I edited them once from the advice I had, then I referenced back with one of the TA's for the class and she gave me feedback 3 TIMES and I edited my crap after every time she gave me feedback. Apparently nobody cares about effort there, though. It's just a basis of sheer talent and lack of space.
This other guy I know only edited his crap once and got in. I mean really, world. What the fuck.
Honestly though, creative writing isn't practical. Neither is like half the majors at Oberlin, but that's because the major at Oberlin doesn't really matter. You can basically go there and afterward go into whatever the hell you want because nobody really cares. They're just all googly eyed that you graduated from there I guess? I'm not really sure how it works, but it probably has something to do with the fact that Oberlin is a liberal arts school so everyone just assumes you know enough of everything that it doesn't really matter what you do.
So since I seem to be topic hopping (I'm not this ADD in real life, I swear) I am also nervous because I'm taking like 16 credits and working next year. I know a lot of people from last year who took 16 credits and didn't fare well with a job. True, they weren't always very organized about it all, but still. I like having a little free time on the side. I don't enjoy killing myself.
So 16 credits for a university isn't really a big deal but 16 credits at Oberlin is the most you're allowed to take. Unless you're a double degree student (essentially you're brilliant and getting a music degree from the conservatory plus a normal college degree) in which case you can take up to 18.. don't quote me on that though.
Also I'm taking math. It's not that I sucked at math in high school.. but I mean, I took some honors or whatever but nothing major. I don't even know if I remember anything now. Plus there's computer science to add to the list. I enjoyed all the computer science classes I've taken already, but that doesn't mean I'm not a little nervous. This class will be more intense and math-y too.
So of course if I'm taking two classes like that I absolutely MUST have some art to balance it out. So I'm taking this typography-esque design class which is fantastic but I can't decide if I should take another art class too. What I don't like about the art classes is critique. It takes probably 2 and a half hours to get through each persons opinion about your work. Plus you always have to come up with some kind of meaning behind the piece.
I like artwork with meaning, but I hate making up meaning when I just wanted to make something pretty. Why is making something pretty such a horrible thing? Why must I have a whole back story? As far as hearing everyone's opinion: lets be honest. Sometimes it's nice to hear peoples opinions but other times they're either too harsh, or they're just making shit up. Or maybe I'm too sensitive. Art is one of those things where if I've worked on something for the past month its kind of hard to just sit there and take serious criticism.
I am excited to see all my friends again. It's kind of lonely in Cleveland where I know nobody except my parents and one other person who is about a 45 minute drive away. It's amazing how little they keep in touch over the summer, but I guess it makes me more excited to see them when school starts again. One of my friends practically disappeared off the face of the earth. She never checks her facebook, doesn't respond to e-mails, and well.. she's kind of a cave woman at times. I just hope she's hanging out with her friends at home and not just sitting at her house being antisocial.
Topic hop: dorms! I am going to be in a single... did I say this already? Whatever, but my room is freaking huge! I haven't measured it yet but I swear its at least 12 by 12 feet which compared to the normal singles is mega gigantic. It's going to be awesome having so much space to myself, especially since there will be less distractions. I'm not a library girl, I prefer working in my room. I also like that my dorm, Russian House, is farther away from main campus so it's quieter and people are more chill I think. Also since my room is nice and big and I'm bringing forms of entertainment and I can clean, my room can then be the hang out spot among my friends (not that nobody at Oberlin cleans, it's just that I'm one of the cleaner people I know, but hey I'm Russian and my family is a bunch of clean freaks). I think this will make me feel more in control of stuff.
I like feeling like I have control, because a lot of times I feel like things are spiraling out of my control. It gets like that when you have to move due to parents job changes. Or maybe that's just me.
Ugh. I am just so over my life right now. I think I am going to peace out now.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
The Dumb Things I Do
So this post is all about me and the dumb things I do. I do a lot of dumb things that if I didn't do, I would be a lot happier, a lot more functional, and my life would just be... better. Hopefully when I am done with this post I will be better at dealing with my fears and not be so dumb. So.. here goes.
The Dumb Things I Do:
1. Be Negative:
This is really problematic. Not only is it scientifically proven that being negative shortens your lifespan, it just.. makes you unhappy. So why on earth would anyone choose to be negative in the first place? I'm not really sure, but there's always this gravity pulling me towards it. Even if I suck at it, I need to try to think about the good things. Because a lot of the negative things I think about aren't even happening. They're more like what if's, worrying about the future, or unnecessarily remembering the past.
2. Be Paranoid:
I probably wouldn't be paranoid if I wasn't so negative, because you wouldn't be paranoid if you didn't think about potential negative things that could happen all the time. Paranoia is one of the most incapacitating feelings ever. You're not being afraid of something reasonable, so basically you're wasting your energy being scared and for all you know you'll give yourself a heart attack for what? Absolutely nothing! And it only hurts yourself. It's just awful. Paranoia is awful, and I pity everyone who has to deal with it.
3. Be Sensitive
Maybe I'm not that sensitive. I mean I know people more sensitive than me, but still. I have to realize that a lot of times people just say dumb shit. And if I'm always taking that shit personally my head will explode. Just be chill, Nadya. Don't take people so seriously. They usually don't know what the fuck they're talking about to begin with. And if they do, well, that's all fine and dandy too. But taking everyone too seriously is just a terrible idea. Because most people aren't serious. I need to learn to make distinctions on how to react internally.
4. Be Hard to Read
So even though I take things seriously all the time even when its dumb shit, nobody can ever tell when I'm upset or angry. Why, you may ask? Well, it's because I can't show it on my face. I am not really sure when this cropped up in my upbringing, but at some point I guess my facial expressions decided to peace out. It's not like my face is stone or anything, but when I'm around other people it seems to take them forever to figure out if I'm annoyed or something. Unless I tell them of course.
5. Bottle Things Up
I do this all the time. I never want to yell at anyone because well, that's just... bad. Though a lot of times I think people deserve it. But I have trouble relaxing and just letting go of things. I can't kick a chair or punch a pillow, that just makes me want to practice it on a real person. I can't clear my mind though I keep trying to meditate. I guess part of this is because I feel like people don't really care most of the time, which brings me to my next "dumb thing."
6. Be Cynical
Oh yeah. I am pretty damn cynical. I don't really believe in the goodness, or honesty of people. I mean, so much shit happens across the world and everyone is so self absorbed. I have little faith in humans.
7. Have High Expectations
I expect way too much from other people. That's why I'm cynical. Sorta at least. People disappoint me frequently.
So basically, I'm a formula for disaster. Or at least psychotic-ness. But that brings me to my last one.
8. Be Self Deprecating
Honestly I should have never called this list what I did because that in itself is self deprecating. I'm always dwelling on what I'm bad at or what I could improve on, I rarely feel like I did a good job unless someone directly compliments me, and it always has to be someone who doesn't compliment me frequently.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I don't know how I deal with my life to be quite honest, after listing that all out. But I am working on it, starting out with this list. If it helps, then I will inform you all so maybe someone else can use this sort of idea for their purposes. Sometimes listing the things you have trouble with can be helpful. I think it works for me anyways. I try to add something in these posts thats useful to other people so I don't just seem like one of those self-absorbed assholes.
The Dumb Things I Do:
1. Be Negative:
This is really problematic. Not only is it scientifically proven that being negative shortens your lifespan, it just.. makes you unhappy. So why on earth would anyone choose to be negative in the first place? I'm not really sure, but there's always this gravity pulling me towards it. Even if I suck at it, I need to try to think about the good things. Because a lot of the negative things I think about aren't even happening. They're more like what if's, worrying about the future, or unnecessarily remembering the past.
2. Be Paranoid:
I probably wouldn't be paranoid if I wasn't so negative, because you wouldn't be paranoid if you didn't think about potential negative things that could happen all the time. Paranoia is one of the most incapacitating feelings ever. You're not being afraid of something reasonable, so basically you're wasting your energy being scared and for all you know you'll give yourself a heart attack for what? Absolutely nothing! And it only hurts yourself. It's just awful. Paranoia is awful, and I pity everyone who has to deal with it.
3. Be Sensitive
Maybe I'm not that sensitive. I mean I know people more sensitive than me, but still. I have to realize that a lot of times people just say dumb shit. And if I'm always taking that shit personally my head will explode. Just be chill, Nadya. Don't take people so seriously. They usually don't know what the fuck they're talking about to begin with. And if they do, well, that's all fine and dandy too. But taking everyone too seriously is just a terrible idea. Because most people aren't serious. I need to learn to make distinctions on how to react internally.
4. Be Hard to Read
So even though I take things seriously all the time even when its dumb shit, nobody can ever tell when I'm upset or angry. Why, you may ask? Well, it's because I can't show it on my face. I am not really sure when this cropped up in my upbringing, but at some point I guess my facial expressions decided to peace out. It's not like my face is stone or anything, but when I'm around other people it seems to take them forever to figure out if I'm annoyed or something. Unless I tell them of course.
5. Bottle Things Up
I do this all the time. I never want to yell at anyone because well, that's just... bad. Though a lot of times I think people deserve it. But I have trouble relaxing and just letting go of things. I can't kick a chair or punch a pillow, that just makes me want to practice it on a real person. I can't clear my mind though I keep trying to meditate. I guess part of this is because I feel like people don't really care most of the time, which brings me to my next "dumb thing."
6. Be Cynical
Oh yeah. I am pretty damn cynical. I don't really believe in the goodness, or honesty of people. I mean, so much shit happens across the world and everyone is so self absorbed. I have little faith in humans.
7. Have High Expectations
I expect way too much from other people. That's why I'm cynical. Sorta at least. People disappoint me frequently.
So basically, I'm a formula for disaster. Or at least psychotic-ness. But that brings me to my last one.
8. Be Self Deprecating
Honestly I should have never called this list what I did because that in itself is self deprecating. I'm always dwelling on what I'm bad at or what I could improve on, I rarely feel like I did a good job unless someone directly compliments me, and it always has to be someone who doesn't compliment me frequently.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I don't know how I deal with my life to be quite honest, after listing that all out. But I am working on it, starting out with this list. If it helps, then I will inform you all so maybe someone else can use this sort of idea for their purposes. Sometimes listing the things you have trouble with can be helpful. I think it works for me anyways. I try to add something in these posts thats useful to other people so I don't just seem like one of those self-absorbed assholes.
Thursday, August 05, 2010
Giant Ass Update (or something like that)
It's been a few weeks since I posted anything. I knew this would happen, because it is the summer and my school year was fairly stressful in my opinion. Plus I've spent this whole month with my boyfriend which means a lot to me and I wanted to savor every moment of it rather than spend it all working. Not that updating my blog is really working per say, but it's kind of.. work-like.
I was looking back at my last few posts and thinking, you know its really nice to have documentation like this. Especially since I tend to forget things that I wish I didn't forget about. I like having little tidbits written down to help jog my memory. Otherwise it may be lost to my confused brain forever.
Especially important to document (for myself of course) is the time I'm spending now with Stephen. Mainly because I know later it will feel like a dream or something. I don't want it to be like that.
So this post may be full of stuff that isn't all that interesting to other people, but it's some of the stuff I've done these past few weeks.
Yesterday I went to Stephen's good friend's birthday party. It was kinda fun, we watched Kung Fu Hustle which has got to be the most ridiculous Kung Fu movie ever, where this axe gang wants to destroy this town of people who are all randomly amazing at kung gu. There were so many totally fake effects, like this man doing Kung Fu*toad style* and his face getting all weird like a toad, and this other guy getting thrown several miles into the sky and then as he fell setting on fire and leaving a giant palm imprint into the ground as he landed. There was also this lady who did the "Lions Roar" where she basically contorted her waist and filled her boobs? with air and let out a sound so loud that it even destroyed the evil musical instrument that kills people! Woah! Yet despite its total ridiculousness I think I was taking the movie a bit too seriously.
A friend of mine also brought cake flavored gelato. It was nummy. Stephen played the Wii, since he's not into movies much. They also watched Hangover which.. uh.. I have nothing to say about that movie...
pause: Stephen just shot a guy in his game with like only three bullet and the target was just like sitting against a wall and suddenly he goes like flying like halfway across the room. Realistic physics anyone?
So what else have I been up to?
I went up to Stephen's cabin with him and his family. We did a lot up there. Golfing, swimming in Devil's Lake, a little shopping (Kiwi Banana smoothie anyone?), hiking, a visit to a casino (unfortunately 19 year olds can only play bingo- *sigh*). We also saw two movies- Tim Burton's 9 and The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Both good movies. Even Stephen kinda liked them. Considering we were only there for three days, it was very eventful. I had a great time, there was good weather, beautiful nature, I couldn't have asked for a better cabin visit.
It was only my second time ever playing golf but I didn't do too awful considering. Stephen still pwned me though.
Okay, so my whole time here hasn't been like crazy doing stuff all the time. A good number of days were spent playing Fallout 3. Damn, what a good game. I swear sometimes I prefer video games over reality. They're just so much fun! I love Fallout because there's just SO MUCH. Theres a huge map, lots of exploring you can do, tons of side quests, enough dialogue to maintain a good storyline, just all around fantastic game. I think I want to get an Xbox myself.
I've also played a bit of Naughty Bear, a game where you're this bear who all the other bears tease and basically, you've had enough so you decide that its time for payback. Basically you get to shove bears down toilets, in ovens, fridges, etc. You can stab them, shoot them, shred them, punch them, whatever you please.
But before killing them you must first psychologically torture them by sabotaging all their stuff, breaking their windows, breaking stuff, sneaking up on them and screaming in their face.. uhm.. oh yeah and when you sabotage their stuff they go an repair it which is when you go up behind them and kill them with whatever they are repairing. It's the perfect game for getting out all that pent up rage!
But yeah.. now that everyone probably thinks I'm crazy.. what else have I done recently?
Oh yeah, a friend of mine hosted a tea party of sorts. We had lots of nummy stuff, like curry, dutch caramel wafers, green tea (or at least I had blueberry green tea), cherry stuffed crepes, and candies. It was SO good. We also watched that ancient animated version of the Hobbit. Oh yeah, and we chatted with another friend of mine, Maggie over skype since she left only a week after I got here. She had to go back to Puerto Rico to start her classes. I was happy to see her for at least a little bit.
Maggie is one of the few friends of mine who understands what its like living in what seems like two worlds. Plus she is uber sympathetic and interesting and just all around awesome. We share a lot of the same interests like writing and psychology and dark stuff.. its a good time.
Tracing back my steps, the other major thing we did was go to the Mall of America. That was when Maggie was still here. Actually, I went there twice. Once with all my friends, where we rode up in gender secluded cars (lol) mainly just because I hadn't seen a lot of my girlfriends in a while and I thought it would be fun. We got lost on the way, but it was so much fun. My friends are so funny and random and... I don't know exactly what we even were talking about, but I had forgotten I could laugh that much. The boys gave us a lot of crap for being lost.. well, some anyways. They are less directionally challenged. But hey, we only got lost once!
The car we took up was this old luxury car with leather seats and butt warmers and lights next to the mirrors and all this other random cool stuff. I loved it.
I've been buying a lot here. The first mall visit I got a dress from Forever 21 and.. I don't remember what else. The second time I got a cup of tea from Teavana (best tea evar!), a gift for my mama, a Lady Gaga-esque dress from H & M for five bucks(!), and noms at Nordstrom cafe. I guess to some people thats not that much but eh, it seemed like a lot at the time? I dunno.
We also go on walks pretty frequently. Today we went on an hour walk in Oxbow, which is like forest trails that I am really familiar with since I've been going there since the summer before 8th grade. It's familiar, but beautiful nonetheless. Especially this time of year.
I don't really want to go home. I know I'm going to take the plane now, and I am scared, but I don't want to be. Yes, being scared of planes may sound ridiculous to you but I can't help it, for some random reason they scare me. I hate the feeling of being on a plane.. it terrifies me right down to my bones. Just rigid fear. I'm surprised I haven't had a heart attack or something. I wonder if there's some kind of drug I can take... let me know if you have any.. reasonable suggestions haha.
I used to not be scared of planes. For years. I didn't care at all about flying planes. I even flew in a tiny little plane once (for 4 people) and even that didn't scare me that much. What is wrong with mee?!?!
It worries Stephen, he wishes he could take my fear away. Maybe it's partially just that I am scared of leaving him. It's comfortable with him. I can relax, feel less pressured about.. Life. School. The world.
I get pretty freaking stressed out. I think I might have even had a panic attack once. Just to convince me more that being with Stephen is different, I haven't had any since we met again. It's just different when we're apart. No matter how much I don't want it to be (yes, I know it has to be different to some degree since we're not together but what I mean is I want to minimize that).
It feels different because we physically comfort each other, we don't have to deal with glitchy cameras or mics. Somehow Skype is more impersonal. I don't feel as close to him. I mean, I guess that seems kind of obvious when I put it that way, but I mean, it's true. Sometimes its hard to communicate everything with just words. Plus I am bad at changing my tone of voice. Stephens bad at wording things the right way.
But Maggie said something really important to me while she was here. You value the relationship more when you know what its like to be apart. It's so true, though. So in a way, long distance for a little bit benefits almost any relationship. Even if the people end up breaking up, a good relationship should be able to take some strain. A really good relationship should be able to take even more.
Giving up at the first sign of trouble is not a good sign of a strong relationship. But of course, I'm old fashioned when it comes to love. I haven't experimented or questioned my gender identity or dated lots of people. In fact, Stephen is my first and only boyfriend thus far. Honestly, I might well keep it that way. Not that I want anyone to rub it in later if I don't, but really. That's just how I feel.
And no, it wasn't Twilight that made me feel that way. I don't have really conservative parents (in fact, they're quite liberally) and I'm not in an identity seeking relationship (or at least, I don't think I am). It's just the kind of person that I am. I'm certainly not saying that it works out this way for many people. In fact, it probably won't for the vast majority. It just turned out that way for me, so please don't be hating.
Oh yeah, I just reminded myself. My grammar/ spelling has been kind of iffy in some of my entries... I need to work on that. The thing is I basically post these things right after I write them, because I'm not seeking compensation for this blog and it's just more of a space for me. Otherwise I would go back and edit out all my failness.
I hope all of this information is useful to someone out there. Otherwise, this is just documentation for me. Cheers.
I was looking back at my last few posts and thinking, you know its really nice to have documentation like this. Especially since I tend to forget things that I wish I didn't forget about. I like having little tidbits written down to help jog my memory. Otherwise it may be lost to my confused brain forever.
Especially important to document (for myself of course) is the time I'm spending now with Stephen. Mainly because I know later it will feel like a dream or something. I don't want it to be like that.
So this post may be full of stuff that isn't all that interesting to other people, but it's some of the stuff I've done these past few weeks.
Yesterday I went to Stephen's good friend's birthday party. It was kinda fun, we watched Kung Fu Hustle which has got to be the most ridiculous Kung Fu movie ever, where this axe gang wants to destroy this town of people who are all randomly amazing at kung gu. There were so many totally fake effects, like this man doing Kung Fu*toad style* and his face getting all weird like a toad, and this other guy getting thrown several miles into the sky and then as he fell setting on fire and leaving a giant palm imprint into the ground as he landed. There was also this lady who did the "Lions Roar" where she basically contorted her waist and filled her boobs? with air and let out a sound so loud that it even destroyed the evil musical instrument that kills people! Woah! Yet despite its total ridiculousness I think I was taking the movie a bit too seriously.
A friend of mine also brought cake flavored gelato. It was nummy. Stephen played the Wii, since he's not into movies much. They also watched Hangover which.. uh.. I have nothing to say about that movie...
pause: Stephen just shot a guy in his game with like only three bullet and the target was just like sitting against a wall and suddenly he goes like flying like halfway across the room. Realistic physics anyone?
So what else have I been up to?
I went up to Stephen's cabin with him and his family. We did a lot up there. Golfing, swimming in Devil's Lake, a little shopping (Kiwi Banana smoothie anyone?), hiking, a visit to a casino (unfortunately 19 year olds can only play bingo- *sigh*). We also saw two movies- Tim Burton's 9 and The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Both good movies. Even Stephen kinda liked them. Considering we were only there for three days, it was very eventful. I had a great time, there was good weather, beautiful nature, I couldn't have asked for a better cabin visit.
It was only my second time ever playing golf but I didn't do too awful considering. Stephen still pwned me though.
Okay, so my whole time here hasn't been like crazy doing stuff all the time. A good number of days were spent playing Fallout 3. Damn, what a good game. I swear sometimes I prefer video games over reality. They're just so much fun! I love Fallout because there's just SO MUCH. Theres a huge map, lots of exploring you can do, tons of side quests, enough dialogue to maintain a good storyline, just all around fantastic game. I think I want to get an Xbox myself.
I've also played a bit of Naughty Bear, a game where you're this bear who all the other bears tease and basically, you've had enough so you decide that its time for payback. Basically you get to shove bears down toilets, in ovens, fridges, etc. You can stab them, shoot them, shred them, punch them, whatever you please.
But before killing them you must first psychologically torture them by sabotaging all their stuff, breaking their windows, breaking stuff, sneaking up on them and screaming in their face.. uhm.. oh yeah and when you sabotage their stuff they go an repair it which is when you go up behind them and kill them with whatever they are repairing. It's the perfect game for getting out all that pent up rage!
But yeah.. now that everyone probably thinks I'm crazy.. what else have I done recently?
Oh yeah, a friend of mine hosted a tea party of sorts. We had lots of nummy stuff, like curry, dutch caramel wafers, green tea (or at least I had blueberry green tea), cherry stuffed crepes, and candies. It was SO good. We also watched that ancient animated version of the Hobbit. Oh yeah, and we chatted with another friend of mine, Maggie over skype since she left only a week after I got here. She had to go back to Puerto Rico to start her classes. I was happy to see her for at least a little bit.
Maggie is one of the few friends of mine who understands what its like living in what seems like two worlds. Plus she is uber sympathetic and interesting and just all around awesome. We share a lot of the same interests like writing and psychology and dark stuff.. its a good time.
Tracing back my steps, the other major thing we did was go to the Mall of America. That was when Maggie was still here. Actually, I went there twice. Once with all my friends, where we rode up in gender secluded cars (lol) mainly just because I hadn't seen a lot of my girlfriends in a while and I thought it would be fun. We got lost on the way, but it was so much fun. My friends are so funny and random and... I don't know exactly what we even were talking about, but I had forgotten I could laugh that much. The boys gave us a lot of crap for being lost.. well, some anyways. They are less directionally challenged. But hey, we only got lost once!
The car we took up was this old luxury car with leather seats and butt warmers and lights next to the mirrors and all this other random cool stuff. I loved it.
I've been buying a lot here. The first mall visit I got a dress from Forever 21 and.. I don't remember what else. The second time I got a cup of tea from Teavana (best tea evar!), a gift for my mama, a Lady Gaga-esque dress from H & M for five bucks(!), and noms at Nordstrom cafe. I guess to some people thats not that much but eh, it seemed like a lot at the time? I dunno.
We also go on walks pretty frequently. Today we went on an hour walk in Oxbow, which is like forest trails that I am really familiar with since I've been going there since the summer before 8th grade. It's familiar, but beautiful nonetheless. Especially this time of year.
I don't really want to go home. I know I'm going to take the plane now, and I am scared, but I don't want to be. Yes, being scared of planes may sound ridiculous to you but I can't help it, for some random reason they scare me. I hate the feeling of being on a plane.. it terrifies me right down to my bones. Just rigid fear. I'm surprised I haven't had a heart attack or something. I wonder if there's some kind of drug I can take... let me know if you have any.. reasonable suggestions haha.
I used to not be scared of planes. For years. I didn't care at all about flying planes. I even flew in a tiny little plane once (for 4 people) and even that didn't scare me that much. What is wrong with mee?!?!
It worries Stephen, he wishes he could take my fear away. Maybe it's partially just that I am scared of leaving him. It's comfortable with him. I can relax, feel less pressured about.. Life. School. The world.
I get pretty freaking stressed out. I think I might have even had a panic attack once. Just to convince me more that being with Stephen is different, I haven't had any since we met again. It's just different when we're apart. No matter how much I don't want it to be (yes, I know it has to be different to some degree since we're not together but what I mean is I want to minimize that).
It feels different because we physically comfort each other, we don't have to deal with glitchy cameras or mics. Somehow Skype is more impersonal. I don't feel as close to him. I mean, I guess that seems kind of obvious when I put it that way, but I mean, it's true. Sometimes its hard to communicate everything with just words. Plus I am bad at changing my tone of voice. Stephens bad at wording things the right way.
But Maggie said something really important to me while she was here. You value the relationship more when you know what its like to be apart. It's so true, though. So in a way, long distance for a little bit benefits almost any relationship. Even if the people end up breaking up, a good relationship should be able to take some strain. A really good relationship should be able to take even more.
Giving up at the first sign of trouble is not a good sign of a strong relationship. But of course, I'm old fashioned when it comes to love. I haven't experimented or questioned my gender identity or dated lots of people. In fact, Stephen is my first and only boyfriend thus far. Honestly, I might well keep it that way. Not that I want anyone to rub it in later if I don't, but really. That's just how I feel.
And no, it wasn't Twilight that made me feel that way. I don't have really conservative parents (in fact, they're quite liberally) and I'm not in an identity seeking relationship (or at least, I don't think I am). It's just the kind of person that I am. I'm certainly not saying that it works out this way for many people. In fact, it probably won't for the vast majority. It just turned out that way for me, so please don't be hating.
Oh yeah, I just reminded myself. My grammar/ spelling has been kind of iffy in some of my entries... I need to work on that. The thing is I basically post these things right after I write them, because I'm not seeking compensation for this blog and it's just more of a space for me. Otherwise I would go back and edit out all my failness.
I hope all of this information is useful to someone out there. Otherwise, this is just documentation for me. Cheers.
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